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Lesson Two:
Love, the antidote to rejection
When will people stop rejecting me?
I asked this question eighteen years ago after a romantic relationship broke my heart. A beloved partner had left me for another woman (my best friend), and my heart wanted to know, "When will men stop rejecting me?" My question did not refer to romantic relationships alone, however. As I surveyed my life, I realized that all of my relationships were laced with rejection. Friends often disapproved of my decisions concerning men. "Mary Anne, you put too much into your relationships. Get a life of your own." Colleagues who didn’t like my ideas went beyond just saying no; sometimes they laughed at my ideas. "When will people stop rejecting me?" It was a question I couldn’t duck, and I began to search for an answer. I had no idea that my search would lead to the perfect romantic partner for me . . . as well as a key to making dreams manifest.
I was teaching a relationships class at the time, and feeling guilty about it. A roomful of students expected me to teach them how to find true love, but I didn’t have it myself. What was it about me that men couldn’t tolerate?
My class that night was different. It was larger and had more men in attendance. My relationships classes had always had a few men, but the men never had much to say. Mostly, they complained about women and the ways they believed women controlled them. This class was different, and one man was very different. He talked, but he didn’t complain about women, nor did he express fears about being in a relationship. In fact, he said he was looking forward to his next relationship. He got everyone’s attention.
After class, a small group of women gathered around him. He glanced my way more than a few times, and soon curious students watched us. "My name is Bob," he said, "and I’m looking forward to meeting you again." Hopeful faces smiled.
On our second date, he threw me a curve ball. He asked me how many intimate relationships I had had. "I knew he was too good to be true!" I thought. He was obviously a voyeur, a sexually starved single who just wanted to humiliate a lonely relationships teacher. Disappointment overtook me, but it dissipated as soon as I looked up at his face. He wore a sad, bittersweet look. His eyes drooped, but the rest of his face held an innocent light. I was curious and so I dug a little.
"Well," he answered, "my first wife cheated on me. I want to make sure it doesn’t happen again."
My heart melted, and I answered his question the way I answer all questions: by telling everything I know. As I did, I braced myself for rejection. I was talking too much. It was one of the things men couldn’t tolerate about me. I talked too much; I wanted too much; I expected too much; I needed too much attention.
But Bob didn’t think so. "No woman has ever answered one of my questions so completely," he said. "Thank you for being so honest with me." Then, he cried.
A few days later, carrying flowers in his arms, he arrived at my office to tell me what I already knew: that he was my true love. I said yes, and as I did I also said a silent prayer. "Please, God, I never want to feel rejected again." As I write this story for you, I am able to report that my prayer was granted. Bob has been my husband for over eighteen years, and I have never felt rejected by him.
What changed? It certainly wasn’t me. When Bob found me, I still talked too much, wanted too much, expected too much, loved too much, and needed too much attention. Why didn’t Bob reject me?
He was able to see me
Why weren’t the others able to see me?
Because I was different from them
How was I different? I wanted to discuss feelings; they wanted to sweep them under the rug. I believed in open displays of affection; they believed love should be assumed. "I’m here, aren’t I?"
To survive the rejection, I did what most people do: I learned how to dim myself. I suppressed my natural likes, preferences and opinions. I tried to be "less" so others would feel like "more," so they would stop rejecting me. In the end, I made things worse. As I grew dimmer and dimmer, I became an emotional punching bag for others, imprisoned in a world of rejection . . . no longer possessing enough strength to get out.
Bob opened that prison door for me. He showed me that the path to love lies not in being dimmer, but in being brighter. I went on to find a way to live in a world that rejects those who are different, without having to dim myself and without being rejected. You’ll find this way with this month’s exercise.
Your second exercise:
The antidote to rejection
Schedule a 15-minute daily exercise slot for yourself. During that slot, ask yourself this question:
"What happened today that I liked?"
In a journal (or notebook), make a list of three to four items. Next, take each item and ask yourself this question:
"Why do I like this?"
Write three or four reasons "why" in your journal space . . . and then do the same thing with the next item on your list.
Here’s what will happen:
1) Your likes will turn into love
2) People who haven’t been able to love you . . . will begin to love you
3) New people, who can love you more, will find you
4) New ideas and new opportunities will come into your life
5) Love will take over . . . and rejection will fade
Continue this exercise every day (during your 15-minute daily exercise slot) and your life will continue to fill with love until all the rejection has been squeezed out of it.
Mary Anne’s tips:
Most spiritual students try to like all living things, to like the things they believe they should like. But just as it is impossible to have only positive thoughts, it is also impossible for us to like all things. Your likes are different from everyone else?s likes, and they?re meant to be. They form a natural boundary around you that says, "This is who I am." Honor your natural likes and allow them to emerge. To show you how, I am including a page from my own journal below.
A page from Mary Anne’s journal of likes:
1) Bob’s legal settlement from his first publisher
2) My increased income from teaching/writing
3) The healing of my breast lumps
"Why" do I like Bob’s settlement?
He’ll be free to move forward
He’ll be able to heal his pain – and let go of his anger
His books will go back out into the marketplace – and have a second chance
He writes wonderful books!
I have been so eager to see him in print again
He’s going to be so happy getting fan mail and good reviews
This time, he’ll be able to enjoy the experience
He’ll be with a publisher who appreciates him
He’ll put the lessons he learned to good use – and get what he wants this time
He’ll bring lots of financial rewards home for both of us to enjoy
He’ll find happiness
He’ll have wonderful new stories to tell about publishing
I love hearing him talk about himself
© Copyright 2001, Mary Anne Thomas. All rights reserved.
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