How do you seek validation? By Glenda Gibbs

We all have a need for validation -- being told a job was well done
or being told that we are valued, wanted or attractive.



Some people have a greater need to be validated than others.



Do you find yourself being drawn to situations or experiences in life
where you feel needed?



Check the following and see if any of these fit you personally or
someone that you know.



Being Needed
Volunteering or being in a position for recognition
Building up partners to validate/be validated
Being whom you think you should be for others
Overachieve at your career
Prefer to be with company avoid being silent or alone
Feelings of being rejected or cheated when you're not the center of
attention
Feel left out and take it personal when you're not in the loop
The sounding board, you listen well, you have the idea that you might
be able to fix them
Positioning yourself in relationships with partners who you believe
are less than you
Not having boundaries, feeling uncomfortable saying no
Being Needy

Giving people the impression that you're self-centered
Using others to be your `rock'
People tend to gravitate away from you, feeling uncomfortable and not
knowing why
You don't attract trustworthy people/partners
You feel that you're needs aren't being met

A person who moves through life with the pretense of taking care of
others has a hidden agenda. Although taking care of others or
situations in life appear to be the good thing to do, they have an
expectation attached to the outcome of their deed. They feel deprived
of validation.



When one has an inner need that isn't being met there is a feeling of
general loneliness, sadness or even anxiety. Someone who avoids
addressing internal needs often looks for ways to be needed. A person
who needs to be needed can become addicted to distractions with
several concurrent situations to feed their fury. Generally, as a
situation is on the threshold of completion, the person has sought
out and found a couple more distractions to fill its place. Thus
avoiding the feelings of loneliness, sadness and anxiety. Instead
they receive an addictive rush, which leads to more external
distractions.



Generally needy behaviors impose an icky feeling or an expectation on
others. I grew up believing that it was the man's job to take care of
the woman. My mother expected my Dad to take care of her, for the
most part he did. I learned to expect the same. I had men taking care
of me providing me funds, paying my way, purchasing materialistic
items, and providing me a home. I depended on the man to take the
lead in relationship and when things didn't go the way I'd expected
I'd play the victim as It was easy to get sympathy from those who'd
commiserated their tragedies with me. I generally selected someone
who was stable as a rock as my life was so unstable. I'd tell myself
that they would give me stability. (It never dawned on me that I
could provide this for myself.) There have been different times in my
life when a guy would pay attention to me, and in turn I would hold
him hostage to my incessant mach 90 vocal performance. I swear I went
on and on for a good hour. I thrived on the attention and being the
center of attention was primo. I followed my parent's examples. I
was needy and I needed to be needed. I always found myself at the
mercy of someone and while I prayed for change I continued this
behavior for a good part of my life.



Here are some examples of the `need to be needed' behaviors that I
employed:



One year I submitted several items that were overqualified
to the fair for the ribbons

Being super woman and available to do things for others

Having foster children

Owning businesses

Prior to returning to school I was everyone's unpaid
counselor; I spent hours listening to venting with the belief that I
could `fix' them

Allowing others to make decisions for me

Staying in unhealthy relationships

Volunteering

Talking about other people

Building others up/gift giving

Not saying no, uncomfortable with setting boundaries

Saying things that I thought people wanted to hear

Having material items as an identity



With years of life not working and believing that there had to be a
better way of living life, I decided to examine my actions and my way
of living. I felt needy, the need to be needed and I felt abandoned.
I complained a lot. Sometimes I nagged and other times I behaved like
an unruly tyrant. I was like a magnet, there were always people who
had situations for me to take care of, thus the need to be needed was
fulfilled, except it was a temporary high behaving like a junky on
the lookout for another fix to make me feel good. I kept myself
occupied with distractions, as I didn't want to address my inner
world. The thought of slowing down and going within was a lot of
bunk. My need to be validated kept me hooked to the point of
exhaustion. Eventually I learned the only person to quench my thirst
of neediness would be me. That meant re-evaluating my actions and
taking time to take care for my needs.



Several possible solutions for you to consider:



Quiet your mind. Listen to your inner voice. Honor you. With the fast
pace of daily living, and having an agenda filled to the brim, you
say, "Who's got time to slow down?" Mach 90 keeps you running from
one stressor to another, taking care of everyone else's needs which
continues the unhealthiness of being needy or the need to be needed.
Slowing down can be difficult. Sitting still and quieting your mind
might seem next to impossible, yet even five minutes will create
phenomenal results. Giving yourself permission to be still and
quieting your mind is allowing your mind and your body to replenish
and become healthy. When you have one of those `gut feelings' (also
known as inner voice/ inner wisdom) listen to it and take action on
it. Your body is a messenger. These messages are provided to you for
a reason. It's my experience they aren't wrong. I find that when I
don't listen, I wished I had. Listen to those messages. The more that
you listen to your inner voice your gut feeling, the more life will
work for you. Honor you being who you are and all of the wonderful
ways that makes you special. Compliment yourself! Having difficulty
with this? Make a Victory log. Generate a list of all of your
experiences that you've accomplished in your life. Monitor your daily
successes and each evening prior to going to sleep add them to your
Victory Log. You'll notice the things on your list are positive and
supportive of believing in you. Listening to your inner voice assists
with releasing being needy or the need to be needed.



Take care of you. If you don't take the time to take care for
yourself, you will become more needy. You will seek out validation
and attention from others. Spend your energy filling yourself with
positive fuel. You'll get more for your mileage. Seek ways that make
you feel good such as reading, exercise, walking, taking a bath,
journaling, gardening, learn to play an instrument, get creative and
learn how to paint or take a class for the fun of it. Hire a coach or
seek counseling.



When you find yourself feeling needy listen, listen, listen.
Sometimes you will find yourself back in old thinking patterns. Make
a new choice immediately. Tell yourself that these old patterns and
thoughts aren't going to get you healthy. And move on. As you
practice paying attention to your inner dialog, question your
underlying motives. Check your feelings. Spend time alone with you;
although that is the last thing you might want to do. Journaling,
self-talk and taking care of you goes a long way towards supporting
yourself in being healthy. And healthy experiences lead to a happier
life.



Have people in your life that you trust and feel safe with. Be brave
and ask them to coach you and intervene. Ask them to mentor you with
behaviors that are acceptable. As you learn to reprogram your
behaviors your need to be coached will be less and less.



What ever you look for, if you look hard enough you'll find it. Start
acknowledging the healthy ways that you are supported and
appreciated. Bring to mind the things that come easy to you smile
and be grateful. Seek out the things that you take for granted and
acknowledge them as riches in your life. Pat yourself on the back and
say good job! Do it. Look around and identify those people who are
mentoring you and give yourself credit for your courage to change. If
not, you'll look for others to reinforce your neediness, and someone
will always be there. Seek the evidence that you have a constant
inflow of attention and love. Be creative and start implementing self-
love, self-care and self-validation.



Here is an example of how I grew from being needy and the need to be
needed to being responsible for my needs, and believing and trusting
in me:

About a month ago I was a keynote speaker to 400 women, at the time
that I delivered the keynote, I felt in alignment with my Source; the
sense of knowing I was in sync was incredible. I didn't "need"
validation.



Another example, I enjoy making cookies and every Friday I take them
to my grandson's class to enjoy. The kids call me grandma. Everyone
looks forward to and enjoys the cookies. My primary motive is
something special for Bryce. On occasions I have suggested that I
send the cookies to school with Bryce. He is opposed to this as he
enjoys me sharing lunchtime with him. If I were looking for
validation (the need to be needed), it would be an absolute for me to
deliver the cookies, soak up all the compliments from the children,
teachers and staff.



With your persistence and the support of your trusted friends, the
neediness, and having to be validated can be overcome. Believe it.
Looking out for you will become an inside job.



Smiles,

Glenda





~ Being passionate about personal growth and spiritual awareness,
Glenda Gibbs has become a popular motivational speaker,
coach/counselor and writer. She facilitates individuals and
organizations to stretch beyond their known potential. Glenda would
love the opportunity to work with you or your organization by calling
her at (509) 585-9683.